LJ-cut for everyone's friends pages.
Note: I do not know exactly what issue of what magazine these are from, as I just cut out the parts I found stupid and put them on pieces of paper. I do know that
these are all from recent (I'd say from May 2002-October 2003) issues of Seventeen, YM, Teen People and a few come from an old CosmoGIRL I have. Please
enjoy just how dumb these magazines get.
"Dig out an old diary. Read it. Laugh at how icky you thought boys were and look how far you've come!" <--This is pretty much all they talk about.
"Go au naturel. Leave the house without wearing a stitch of makeup, not even lip gloss!" <--I do this about 98% of the time anyway
"Get crush confidence: Next time you see him, tell him you have something for him and then take his hand and write your number on it. He'll call tonight!" <--EWWW!
How about NO?
"Impress a boy with one of your talents. Whn he goes, "Whoa", tell him you'll show him how it's done one day--and hand him your digits." <--what are digits? I call it
a phone number. And I don't have any talents anyway.
"What's hot for Baltimore teens right now? 'Sequined purses, bright colors and anything from Hot Topic.' 'Hip-hop and local punk bands are big.'" <--Oh wow.
Nothing but trend whores here, folks.
"At-home French manicure kits are blazin'." <--They're really blazin'? I dunno, putting scalding hot pieces of plastic on my fingernails isn't exactly my cup of tea.
"Get the style scoop from the folks at American Eagle Outfitters!" <--Only if you want to look like everyone else.
"Scooters are hot! I just bought a 150cc Aprilia. I can even ride it wearing a skirt and cute stilettos!" <--Stilettos are really unsafe to drive anything in. When the heel
snaps and you swerve into a tree I will laugh because you didn't buy a SENSIBLE vehicle. Or at least sensible shoes.
"House parties are louder and more off the hook than ever." <--Can we please be any more whigger? "off the hook"? What jumping fuck does that mean?
"All-American Hotties: Seann William Scott makes patriotism pulse-pounding." <--I think he's ugly as sin. Plus I like j-rock boys. Would they call it "All-Japanese
Hotties"? Oh, right, they're not American so the teenie mags don't care. (What's with all this bandwagon patriotism?)
"Orange County: Addictive Fox series The O.C. features a tanned, half-naked, droolworthy cast chilling in Newport Beach. For that O.C. bronzed look, try Stila
Sport's Pivotal Sun ($25)." <--Where to begin? First off, The O.C. is nothing but Melrose Place for today's trend whores. Second off, I don't go for tanned, half-
naked folks no matter where they are. (Last I noticed, j-rock boys don't tend to tan much. But if they were half-naked, I'd go for it.) Third off, why pretend to be tan
and waste $25 when you can be pale? Pale is pretty. Plus you won't be orange.
"English Exports: Small and square, yes, but the Mini Cooper is also fast, fun and on fire. So are shagadelic actor babe Orlando Bloom, soccer sweetie David
Beckham and the sinfully skin-showing clothes of designer Julien Macdonald." <--Mini Coopers are prone to spontaneous combustion?! Potential buyers, ask the
dealers about the records of Mini Coopers and combustion. Now, what about those adjectives they used to describe Mr. Bloom (who I liked before they did, but
he's not as hot without the wig on)? How lame. I don't even like soccer and I can't afford designer clothes, let alone import designer clothes that "show skin", which is
my worst enemy.
"Flirt Factor: Think the playful, kittenish, almost innocent side of sexy. Think Brittany Murphy. Think ultrafull eyelashes that make eye contact practically a contact
sport (and get 'em with Trish McEvoy Lash Curling Mascara, $25)." <--I don't flirt. At all. And why the hell do you need $25 mascara to flirt if you like to?
"[My look] is urban, preppy and emo." <--I don't label what I wear. It's depressing that you do. Even more depressing that you used three overdone labels to do so.
"Hil [Hilary Duff] Speak: 'In this movie I've had to put Hilary aside and be like, I can't be cool.'" <--And Hilary is 15 years old. I'm about to be 15, but at least I'm not
some girl who's had her fifteen minutes on the fucking Disney Channel doing a show wherein she acts out what she thinks is every teen's life. Bullshit in a can.
"The All-American Rejects: This Oklahoma emo duo is hardly rejected. We have their diarylike love songs on repeat." <--Oh man do I hate All-American Rejects.
Shut the fuck up, you MTV emo-pop band, and please erase Swing Swing from my head.
"Clinique Gel Blush in Shell Pink, $11. This gel tints your cheeks with a gorgeous, 'I just made out with my boyfriend' pink glow." <--I despise this quote because of
the making out reference.
"We'd love to give you one of the hot guys in the American Eagle Outfitters ads but we're hoping you settle for loot from their new bath and beauty line instead." <--
Are those "hot guys" "All-American"? Oh, no, these are the ones who all look exactly the same and they're all exactly NOT HOT to me.
"Life before American Idol (was there one?)" <--A question asked to the four finalists of American Idol 1.
"If you've got one of Kelly's singles on repeat and you're contemplating sleeping out for tickets to the American Idol tour, you're normal--22.8 million other viewers
are probably doing the same." <--"You're normal"?!?! American Idol people weren't even talented! They just sang shitty covers of good songs and got a fuckload of
publicity for doing so. Shameful.
"Punk Avenue Preppies--Innocent schoolgirl styles take on a tough attitude" <--Owch. My head hurts from all the labelling.
page 94 be a guy magnet...where to go to get 'em
page 162 guy spy: LFO...the hotties show off their climbing skills (and, mmm, a little muscle)
page 106 who's your BBmak love match?" <--Boy band insanity!
"Bastille Day: If you can't hop a plane to Paris, spot couture trends in Style File." <--Oh boy, French-wannabe trendywhores!
"Lately I've noticed lots of really hip girls knitting on the subway. While I'm reading a magazine, they're, like, making things." <--You're, like, really fucking stupid.
"25% girlie, 75% bad-ass" <--How about 100% idiot?
"[For Sagittarius, I forgot what month] If you're single, you'll flirt with a popular Libra around the 16th. Hang out with him and your friends on the 20th." <--First of all,
as I've stated before, I DON'T FLIRT. Second of all, I hate popular boys, as they are conceited like nothing else. Third of all, why would I hang out with a popular
boy of my own free will? Let's move on.
"Travis Barker, the totally hot drummer from Blink-182, turns 27." <--"Totally hot"?! Blink-182 is a no-talent washed-up pop-punk band and the guys from it are as
attractive as a skunk with syphilis.
"Tip: trade in a high-neck blouse for a glitzy tee or sequined halter and go from collegiate preppy to rock-star cool." <--Their overuse of the phrase rock star makes
me sick to my stomach.
"Look like a star! Copy celebrities' clothes for cheap, magically cover icky skin problems, do your hair like J. Lo's" <--Also inside: How to otherwise just copy
whatever the fuck celebrities do. Being independent is lost on these girls.
"Thank Goth--Dress Halloweeny" <--Thank WHAT?!
"Anything but Ordinary--Avril's a tough girl...you got a problem?" <--I've got a problem with the fact that she was raised in the suburbs of Canada, virtually removed
from any problems girls raised in cities face.
"Love Q&A--Older men; goth boys; making the first move" <--This and that Thank Goth thing come from the table of contents of an October 2002 YM. Ironic, no?
"Geeks forever" <--Or at least until next month, when we find another group to overexpose.
"Confessions of an Anonymous Gossiper: I love gossip! Everyone talks about each other; that's just how it is." <--No comment on how dumb that sounded.
"Editor's pick: These cable-knit wool and cotton sweaters come in great bright colors and offer the essential preppy look that goes with everything...they're such a
bargain at $48 that I want one or two more!" <--$48?! Essential preppy look?! The sweaters are ugly as sin, too, so I don't want one thank you. I like the College
sweatshirt Dad gave me better anyway.
"Our Little Corner of the World: Music from Gilmore Girls...After hearing The Shins and Black Box Recorder, we're totally over mainstream radio." <--At least until
next month, when we will whore out another band you will soon see on TRL.
"love_buggie (note: these two are user reviews from gurl.com reviewing the idea of keeping a journal) More writing? Ummm, I think I have enough writing in school!"
<--Riiiight...Let's just move on.
"zoiinkers Eeeew! Journals?! I would never keep a journal. Why talk to a book when you have friends?" <--Because books don't make fun of you for having feelings
and you can badmouth your 'friends' in a book and they don't have to know.
"Funk a little punk, or make it mod-western" <--Can someone translate this into English for me?
"All you need to pull off this season's hottest trends, from head to toe." <--I am their worst enemy because I wear the same shirt from "season" to "season". Pfft.
"The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers--Aragorn and the warriors search for the kidnapped hobbits, and Frodo and Sam try to destroy the One Ring. Yeah,
whatever...Elijah Wood and Orlando Bloom are so hot, we'll ignore their nasty hairdos." <--Notice how Merry and Pippin aren't mentioned by name. Also how they
dismiss the entire plot with a simple 'Yeah, whatever'. I hope the writer of this review gets a dead crab shoved into her birth canal.
"Double Feature: The day before my birthday, I agreed to meet my boyfriend at the movies. And, let's just put it this way, I didn't see any of the movie." <--That's just
trashy. End of story.
"Try the boys' and kids' departments if you're under a size 4. You'll find stuff like preppy-punk shrunken oxford shirts. And you can't beat the prices: We noticed a
37% difference between similar sweaters at Gap Kids and Gap." <--Is this subliminally advocating eating disorders? 'Sides, I can't shop in the kids' sections anymore
and I'm 14. Need I say much more? Also, Gap pays their child workers in Cambodia five cents a day. I think it was five.
"Girls, beware of boys who abuse mistletoe...unless they're totally cute, of course." <--What?! And what's with the use of totally. Sounds totally dumb to me.
"You wouldn't wear your summer wardrobe into fall." <--I am right now.
"Before he made this [Union Jack] dresser, Paul Frank designed this Union Jack punk rock purse for Kelly Osbourne. We bet she thinks it's *@ing rad!" <--Oh
no not Paul Frank! Cutesy "punk" only the richest of the rich can afford! And fuck that monkey who's always on his stuff. Fuck him hard.
"Most Outrageous Attempt to Attract a Girl: Taking off my clothes for an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue. That was totally for the girls!" <--Why is it that a clothing
place has naked people in their catalogues?
"OK, we admit it: like most of you, we have sex on the brain..." <--GREAT assumption there!
"Ritual of the month: get rid of negativity" <--So much easier for girls who don't have to deal with bad shit daily.
"Celebrity buzz: Who's hooking up, who's breaking up, who's superhot and who's sooo not" <--And who gives a shit?
"Sleep in braids and wake up with this season's hottest hair trend--waves!" <--How about: "Sleep with a pillowcase over your head and wake up with this season's
"Chanel Ombre Unique Creme Illuminating Eyeshadow, $22 Review: This eye shadow is a must have." <--A must have, huh? From Chanel? Elitists only!
"Forget about lugging your full-size products to school every day! These bite-size versions are just perfect for storing in your locker." <--For what? For running a
damn beauty salon out of? Society confuses me.
"Trend: Black" <--Whatever you say.
"Trend: Denim" <--That's a trend? People have been wearing denim for...about 200-so years!
"Trend: Military" <--No shit, Sherlock. Only took ya this long to figure it out!
"The hottest looks and gotta-try-it trends!" <--Here we go with the t word again.
"Try these two groovy lash trends and prepare to rule your school." <--GROOVY?! And how will doing your eyelashes a certain way let you 'rule' your school? This
doesn't make sense to me.
"Street Chic Lip Palette, Dior, $40: This edgy, punk-inspired lip palette with a grommet design wristband is an affordable way to do Dior." <--I don't call $40 for a
little thing of lipstick affordable.
"All About Guys: GETTA DATE" <--You know, because nothing else matters in life. *eye roll*
"Are you a different day, different sneaker kind of girl? Then Reebok's Valiants are for you. They're $40 a pop and come in 16 colors." <--Mmm, materialism at its
Best look--on the go styles with an individual twist
Put it back--anything that says dry clean only
Style theme song--"I'm Real" by J. Lo with Ja Rule
Dream label--Dolce and Gabbana
In your closet--Gap" <--Wrong on the last three of those there.
"Avril Lavigne. Signature look? Pretty in punk." <--Pretty in WHAT? God I hate that phrase.
"Cool band alert: Funk up your next party with Fischerspooner's debut album, #1." <--For the girl who throws parties every damn week, of course, and the magazine
wants every reader to do exactly the same.
"A wallet chain is the hippest way to stash your cash without losing your cool. So latch on to become instantly rough 'n' tough." <--This is accompanied by pictures of
Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and Shakira wearing wallet chains. Enough said...or not said.
"Maroon 5 - Harder to Breathe: Maroon 5 delivers Avril-icious lyrics set to a funky beat. We predict this will be your new anthem and the singer will be your new
crush." <--Avril-icious? They only mention her damn name all the time! Everything is Avril this, Avril that. I hope she gets syphilis in her ears. And who are they to tell
me some guy will be my crush?!
"The complicated rocker, 18, will see her smash hit "Sk8er Boi" turned into a feature-length movie." <--Someone please console me and tell me that was all a joke
and Skater Boy is not going to be a movie. A movie? What the hell? Hollywood really is turning into a town of writers with no more good ideas.
"Omg! Abbreviations are so fun and catchy. I def use them both online and in 'real life'." <--Please tell me this is also a joke. Anyone who uses those lame shorthand
things in real time is not worth my time.
"Listen up! Avril Lavigne's Try to Shut Me Up tour kicks off tonight in Toronto." <--You know how to shut her up? Put duct tape over her nose and mouth.
"A day to remember: Mandy Moore turns 19" <--And promptly begins to reinvent herself as 'sexy'. All you have to do is keep a copy of her old poppy songs nearby
any time she denies her past.
"What Eve [not the hip-hop artist] likes to wear: Classic, preppy clothes like jeans and khakis from Polo and J. Crew." <--Ask your mommy and daddy how much of
their money goes to those khakis sometime.
"Fall TV: What's really must-see? Get the scoop on new shows (like Fox's The Simple Life) that will have you ditching your homework week after week." <--THE
SIMPLE LIFE? A show about two ugly spoiled bitches who are exposed to what is reality for many people? How much more brainless can you get?
"The Rundown: Who cares about the plot...when you can gaze at muscles?" <--Oh, that explains all the zombies in the theatres whenever I go to see a movie. They're
only there for the fanservice.
"Prom night 2003: Everything you need to throw the after-prom party of the year!" <--Well perfect! Because here's what you need, a huge house, tons of friends,
food out the asshole and the lamest music ever. At least according to that article.
"This Sum 41 frontman truly is a 'punk'. He got kicked out of a NYC club after spitting in a customer's face." <--Say what? That little barely-out-of-middle-school
Sum 41 brat, a punk?! Get real!
"Popular-Dating-Boy crazy" <--You know those Pacsun ads in teen magazines that have pictures of models in different locales around California, then they have little
bars with words in them in the middle? These were three of the words in one ad.
"...but fall's sexiest lip trend isn't just for rock stars" <--Then again, these people think Gwen Stefani is a rock star. Ska star, maybe, but not rock star.
"Q: What was the most extravagant thing you've bought?
BW [Bow Wow]: This was probably my worst year for spending money. I chartered a jet that was, like, $45,000.
HD [Hilary Duff]: I wouldn't do that.
BW: Then right after Christmas, after I got my Nissan 350Z, I bought a Maserati for, like, $110,000.
HD: I love Louis Vuitton bags. I'm going to get a nice car. And I love my shoes!" <--What happens when you give untalented kids too much money.
"Funky, quirky, colorful, with your trendsetting makeup and retro 'do, you're a rock star waiting to happen!" <--NOT THAT PHRASE AGAIN. Originality is lost on
"Trendspotters pile on the chains, buckles and studs--and get ready to rock!" <--I won't even start on this one.
"How to FLIRT: We dared these girls to go out and guy shop like their best friends." <--Because boys are the only thing that matters in life, apparently.
"Sound: total punk rock. It rules." <--From an article on boys in bands. It just sounded too dumb to pass up.
"The rocker-chick look is my fave! I love shopping at Sears, where they have all the hip trends from tees with mesh, chains, glitter and funky attitude. Even the denim
is decked with studded belts, heavy metal buckles and zipper pockets." <--Let's put some more bullshit on this, please. Yeesh. Hip trends.
"Wet Seal. Life's a blur. Focus on fashion." <--That explains the whole mentality of these magazines, huh?
"Our lovable cover boy, Justin Timberlake, is 21." <--Lovable? I want him to shut his damn mouth and stop trying to be Michael Jackson. I don't think that's 'love'.
"Whoever said Red means stop needs to think again. Red actually means shop!" <--Please tell me I did not read this.
"Get the Look: The hottest trends from head to toe." <--Even they admit they are trend whores!
"Where the boys aren't! Guys got the boot when one of our favorite stores, Gadzooks, introduced their all-girl concept. So ditch your guy at Structure and go on a boy-free shopping spree. Meet him in the food court when you're done trying on half the store!" <--An example of two themes in these pieces of shit: You must have a boyfriend and you must love to shop at the mall. I have neither.
"I take full advantage of my American freedoms, especially the freedom of choice: Paper or plastic? Designer or retail? And do I really want fries with that? A girl can break a sweat making these decisions!" <--Really? Because I don't break sweats making such materialistic decisions.
"[You look just like Justin Timberlake] is the ultimate compliment because Justin is, like, every girl's dream: handsome, rich, famous and down-to-earth." <--I think it's impossible to be rich, famous AND down-to-earth. Plus he sure isn't my dream, unless you're talking about that one where I shoved a screwdriver in his throat.
"Should you get a fake ID? Your social life may depend on one, but what about the risks?" <--First, what social life? No, seriously. Second, why would you rely on
something ILLEGAL to have fun? Why can't you have fun legally?
"If you're a wallflower, shake off that caterpillar shell and make a 180-degree turn to social butterfly." <--How about no.
"My two boyfriends: I had finally gotten together with a great new guy, so why was I still calling my ex?" <--The whole article is a fluff journalism piece about some dumb love triangle. Skip it--I almost got another cavity from the saccarine-sweetness of the article.
"This trend [boucle] has hit stores big-time and is easy to mix in with all the basics you already have in your closet." <--Boucle is ugly. And it makes my eyes hurt. Meh.
"For Halloween, my friends and I are going to dress up like Bobby Trendy, Anna Nicole and her dog. It'll be hilarious.-Hilary Duff" <--Oh you have to be kidding. So who will Hilary be, the gay guy on heroin, the dog or the woman on godknowswhat kind of drugs? I think Anna feeds her dog drugs, too.
"The secret [to getting guys] is tight, low-rise white jeans. If you don't get him with those, it wasn't meant to be!" <--First off, I don't own any white pants, I would stain them plus they don't go well with my shirts. Second off, I am not whore enough to wear tight low-rise ones. I'm not J. Lo, for God's sake!
"Rich Girls, premiere Oct. 14, 10:30 pm, MTV. A reality show starring wealthy teens with extravagant habits." <--Now what about the girls in the lower social
brackets who watch this? I bet they'll feel horrible! MTV is wasting its time on fluffy shit like this.
"Pre-makeout session, tell him how you just hate hickeys and would flip out if you ever got one. Then smile sweetly..." <--I had to resist throwing up on the magazine
page when I read this. That is incredibly trashy. 'lyke omg i totally dun lik hikies! dun give me a hiki if u wanna git wit me!!!'
"You're hanging out and hooking up. But are you going out?" <--Can someone please define hooking up for me? I've heard it as "being set up on a date", "making out
with" and "going all the way with". I need to know which definition is being used here.
"Style icon Britney Spears gives us the lowdown on what's cool right now and what she thinks is already over." <--Britney declares that cameras are out (but declares
$300 camera phones in), as well as baggy pj pants (in favor of frilly little thongs). I kid you not.
"Tie the ends of these strands of snaps to your belt loops for an Avril Lavigne-ish rocker look." <--NO MORE, PLEASE! Find someone ELSE to compare
"Hollywood Homicide: Box office bomb doesn't mean worthless piece of caca. Josh Hartnett needs our support, girls." <--I slept through most of Hollywood
Homicide and I had a healthy dose of sleep the night before. The movie is a worthless piece of caca, really, don't let the teenies fool you. And also, Josh Hartnett is
not attractive unless you find dumb jocky guys cute.
"A foolproof diet that works in two weeks." <--And yet these magazines are still trying to say, "We don't encourage dieting..."
"Thanksgiving is fun--who doesn't love an all-you-can-eat feast? But after that family time, you and your guy might be ready for a simpler dinner a deux." <--Great.
More assuming. Do these people not know that to assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME? What if you have a girlfriend? Or no mate at all? Hitori dinner? I am
"The boyfriend predictor...when will you meet yours?" <--To end this out I thought I'd choose a real shiner. How can a magazine read by millions of girls predict for
each and every girl when they will meet a boyfriend? I think it's all an elaborate lie crafted by The Man to control us all. Either that or it's another device to make single
girls anxious, then just get let down again.